So I unzipped my pants.

“So I unzipped my pants” is one of those phrases you can really only toss around in a medical context unless you want to receive looks of horror from your audience. The type of looks you’d get had you just hacked up a puppy on Christmas morning in front of the tree. Few other seemingly benign phrases in the English language have this effect.

Think about it. “The doctor walked in, so I unzipped my pants.” Okay. “My lawyer walked in, so I unzipped my pants.” Not okay. It doesn’t end there. “Dinner didn’t taste right, so I unzipped my pants.” “The dog was misbehaving, so I unzipped my pants.” “The concert was amazing, so I unzipped my pants.” “I was bored in line at the DMV, so I unzipped my pants.” “The painting was breathtaking, the coffee was cold, traffic was horrible, it was Tuesday afternoon,” and so on.

So it came to pass, that there we were once again. Sitting in McGovern’s office, which by now seemed like a weekly ritual. Though, this time it was different. There was no yelling. There was no lovingly slaps to the back of the head. There was no “boys will be boys” eye rolling. There was just pure, restrained rage.

To be fair, we hadn’t been caught smoking. “Caught” being used in the loosest sense. Anytime a teacher wanted to find Eddie, Chuck, or I between the times of 7:45 and 8:00, 11:00 and 11:15, 1:30 and 1:45, they needn’t look any farther than the boys bathroom on the third floor. We had pretty much taken it over. And why not? The toilet hadn’t flushed in 2 years. (Ah, Buffalo public schools.) So the only ones to ever visit this hole beside our trio were confused freshmen or Neil when he needed to masturbate. Which he did on a semi-regular basis. But never more than once a week, as he was Catholic.

But this wasn’t a smoke bust used as a ruse to question us about missing test answers (ala Capone’s tax evasion arrest). This was different. First of all, we were rounded up swiftly only to be left in a locked room for a good two hours. Every once in a while, the door would open, McGovern would walk in, as red-faced as a drunk Irishmen, shake his head, and walk out. Eddie and Chuck would then shake their heads and laugh. I didn’t share in their loose attitude. I knew why we were there.

Eddie and Chuck soon learned why our principal was so mad when he got enough control over himself to speak to us. As he did, tiny flecks of white foam flew from his mouth and landed here and there. It was almost as disturbing as the tenor of his voice.

“People are sick. People have gone to the hospital.”

Now that seemed odd. Never anticipated that reaction. I guess I should have paid more attention in chemistry. Or biology. I thought to myself.

“So what did you do? I know you fuckers did something. So help me, I’m going to get it out of you.”

Definitely didn’t anticipate that. And something told me our carefree smoke breaks on the third floor were all but over. As most likely were our careers at this awful school.

Chuck peeled his eyes from our antagonist to give looks to both Eddie and I. He knew this was as big as it seemed and now wanted out. He was overweight and weak and had a father who got drunk and told him so regularly. He couldn’t possibly go home with this news. Not if he wanted to stay out of an arm cast or two. He was looking to his friends for help. He had no part of whatever this crime was. I knew it. But I just wasn’t ready to spill.

Eddie just smirked. Even though he hadn’t done whatever we were being questioned about, he wasn’t about to say uncle. That wasn’t his way. He just didn’t care. That’s what can happen to the young child in a poor family of eleven. Besides, this whole scene was way more exciting that anything going on in any classroom.

“You’re looking at prison.”

Well, that changed Eddie’s disposition. One of his many brothers went to prison some years ago on a drug/robbery charge. Eddie had heard all the stories. It certainly wasn’t the stuff TV is made of, but it wasn’t cherries either. Eddie wasn’t in for any of that, especially if he wasn’t the culprit.

Then there was me. I was just bored. That’s why I took up smoking. That’s why I hung out with these two who were obviously no good for me. I could do well, get good grades, all that. But it hardly seemed to matter in this sorry excuse for a learning institution. More than anything, I learned I wasn’t going anywhere, no matter how hard I tried. And I also learned to hate. Which was the main reason we were standing here at this moment in time.

I mostly hated the football team. Who doesn’t in high school but the guys actually on the football team? I especially hated the running back who, the day prior, had smashed my face into a locker. That morning, I hate-flicked a lit cigarette through the window of his car as I walked by him in the parking lot. As far as he was concerned, the locker had made us even. I disagreed. And was to use my knowledge of him having fourth period lunch to make sure we were Steven.

No need to let these guys go down with me. I admitted it was all me and asked McGovern to release my companions. He did. And then I laid it all out. I cut out of third period early. Went into the cafeteria. Got on top of a chair next to the slushi machine (our star running back loved slushis).

And then I used that special phrase that evoked a look from McGovern that made me think it was his puppy that Christmas morning.